Putting the "I" in DysfunctIon.......

No matter how much I try, I continue to put the "I" in DysfunctIon. Day in Day out, I say "God what are you wanting me to do?". I try and I try - to achieve happiness that is. Well finally it's hit me. My contribution to Dysfunction is the fear to surrender. The fear of the outcome. The fear of being pained. The thought in my mind continues "Trust God, not the human spirit." As I have continuously put the "I" in Dysfunction, I have continued to pray for guidance, grace and a positive outcome - however, I have failed to SURRENDER my troubles and fears. I've continue to play tug a war with God, in a game He doesn't even have to attempt at. He just steadily, effortlessly continues to hold the other end of my fear reminding me He's there ready- fear in His hand until I am ready to release my troubles to Him fully. Releasing any bit of control I have tried to maintain over my situation. Repeatedly and tiredly I've asked God, "What do you want me to do?"" How do you want me to handle this?"" What am I not getting that I need to learn?" Well I am finally beginning to understand His silence, I'm supposed to do nothing about my struggles. I'm supposed to redirect my joy and purpose as I wait and let Him solve my issues. I realize that my reactions are fear driven. If I sit silently will I be taken advantage of? If I offer love, will it mean that I've accepted less than I deserve? If I do not protect my heart, will it be pained beyond repair? As I was seeking God's wisdom I received a visual of different people that symbolized various stages of surrendering life. The first was a visual of a man with a bullet proof protector that NO human could possibly go beyond. The second was a man with a brick barrier, sturdy and hard but with enough will & determination you could eventually reach the human, maybe remove a brick layer every now and then. The third was a marshmallow exterior. Yes marshmallow, I don't know why but that's what God showed me. The interpretation of this person was that there was a sticky and messy exterior, in understanding that the person was messy and imperfect, but still including a sweet exterior, the human could be reached and appreciated. This person was pleasant, approachable but still some sort of protection barrier from others but with much more ease than the other humans. But then the final person was completely open without barriers, with God behind them -God's size and illuminating light was surrounding this person. Vulnerable in every way, but feeling safe with God's warmth & powerful protection behind him. An heir of confidence, peace and knowing that there needs to be no self created barrier from the world, but open to all that may come his way, without fear. So as I ponder who I am, I would say I am probably the marshmallow exterior. I'll admit, there are times I try to create a brick exterior, but then I feel God's leading and He doesn't allow me the determination to be that self-protective. I'm far from perfect, but if you are willing to accept my imperfections - I'm willing to accept & appreciate a genuine heart. So through this attempt to accept the imperfections of others, and trusting that God has created us as we are - I am able to gradually remove the I from the Dysfunction around me.
© 2011 by Christina Valdez. All rights reserved