As I reflect on the past month and a half full of challenges I rest in one truth, my God has been by my side day by day. This has been a season that has challenged who I am, how faithful I truly am and how I survive day by day without worry. At a time when my father & son have experienced major health challenges, I have learned how to wait on my Lord and find peace in Him..... I've experienced the beauty in all the pain.
During a time when stress levels where high, I solely focused on the promises that God has given me. I now know God never gives me more than I can handle, but amazingly I realized I can handle so much more with God's grace than I realized. I would have never come to this realization without experiencing the intensity of these trials simultaneously.
God desires that I rest in him, not worry, not try to figure out my next step or next week, but wait on Him and trust that He is working and arranging my life and my blessings even while chaos seems to be breaking out all around me. When I rest in Him and trust in Him and not my own understanding, I'm not consumed by worry, therefore I am able to wait on Him with a grateful heart. While it may seem that waiting without a plan is irresponsible, it leaves me energy, hope and the opportunity to be lead by God to an outcome greater than what I may have planned.
As I begin to recover from the emotional toll that brain surgery on my 8 year old son has had on our family, I now have the opportunity to reflect on the existence of God's power during our journey. There continues to be revelation about seeds planted months ago or even years ago that have become blessings in the present.
It was 8 years ago that I began to truly understand the concept of surrender. As my son was born 2 full months early and I was unable to see him for 2 days because of my own health issues, I knew all I could do was put my helpless baby into God's hands. After a 4 day hospital stay there was no emotional energy to worry about the reality of my son's condition. He began his life with a machine taking his first breaths for him. While at the time it seemed as though this was such a traumatic experience, it truly was a blessing in so many ways. I was able to see the beauty of others reaching out with concern, the strength and dependability of my parents visiting my son daily for a month and a half, my father's faith grew daily and my husband was able to be strengthened in his role as father - a silent strength was resurrected within him. These are just a handful of the blessings, but the fact that my son's Hydrocephalus and Chiari Malformation were detected years before severe symptoms were able to begin, MRI testing was done purely for the fact that he was premature.
After 5 years of monitoring my son's conditions and surgeries for my son's Hydrocephalus, his Chiari Malformation began causing spinal fluid to seep into his spinal cord. So at the age of 6, he had a partial Chiari Decompression surgery. A week ago he had the remaining surgery which our surgeon had optimistically hoped would not be necessary.
In all honesty, one blog entry cannot even begin to bring justice to the intensity of this past month and a half. But one thing that can be said about this journey, I WAS BOLD. I spoke truth over every situation. Not my understanding of truth, but God's truth, even when others did not understand me or challenged who I truly am. My conversations & revelations from God are not a luxury, but a necessity for survival, for peace. I do not like the feelings of anxiety or fear, to me I feel that when I am controlled by those emotions I am not able to experience the full greatness of God's lessons. I've learned that when my lesson has been learned, I'm allowed to move forward - I do not have to return to this same lesson over and over, God smiles upon me and says "Well done, you have accepted the peace I have offered."
During this really tough season, that lead to the temptation of surrendering to depression, loneliness & stepping off the lighted path God has given me - I refused to conform to the world. In a season that I was misunderstood and attempts were made to persuade me to change who I am or who I am becoming, I have learned with confidence to accept that I am exactly who God has called me to be. I speak words of truth and hope. I learn from everyone who has the courage to teach me without shame or embarrassment. I take no blessing for granted. I put no limits on my journey, no limits on my understanding as to who my God is. When I was not receiving the spiritual insight and inspiration that I was seeking I refused to accept that I was to stop the search. I WAS BOLD - I refused to conform to a human's understanding of what God has waiting for me or the lessons he is teaching me.
My boldness has been frequently misunderstood by many in my lifetime. It felt as though it was a curse for many of my adult years. But now, I accept it as an amazing blessing from God. If it were not for my Boldness in faith, I would have allowed others define how I am to grow in my faith and how to live out my faith, I would have allowed this world to subtly put out the fire that lies within my heart to share God's love, power and healing on us all. The Bilble says "lean not on your own understanding", so because I am Bold I am confident in making decisions that may not make sense to other because that is where God has lead me. I am able to Boldly proclaim that God speaks to me in his subtle and gentle ways so that I may be that example of faith that plants a seed into others when they are tempted to worry, feel defeated or deny God's power. I have been able to Boldly accept these trials to allow others to see God in every instance of my life, this has not been by my own strength or understanding, but by the leading of God's gentle hand.
"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." Hebrews 4:16
© 2011 by Christina Valdez. All rights reserved
